“I have seen the future and it works.” (But not in the future.)

LINCOLN STEFFENS’ FAMOUS QUOTE ABOUT THE FUTURE: “I have seen the future and it works.”        Lincoln Steffens (1866-1936)         American “muckraking” journalist and social activist         Remark in a letter to Marie Howe, dated April 3, 1919, about his visit to Soviet Russia. Russia had recently become the first major Communist nation, adopting a political system based (theoretically) on the doctrines of Karl Marx. At the time, many liberal activists like Steffens believed that such a Socialist system would be good for the majority of citizens and should be adopted by other countries.        Steffens used several versions of his famous controversial prediction over the years. One of the most cited variations comes from his 1931 autobiography. In that, Steffens wrote that American businessman Bernard Baruch once said to him, “So you’ve been over into Russia?, and he replied: “I have been over into the future and it works.” Steffens also noted in his autobiography that, by the time he wrote it, he had become disillusioned with Communism.

THE AMAZON WAREHOUSE SLAVE VERSION:              “Amazon’s new idea goes to extremes to treat employees like fleshy robots. The Seattle-based company was just granted two patents for employee wristbands that look like something from dystopian science fiction...wristbands that track where a given warehouse workers’ hands are at all times. You read that correctly. I have seen the future, and it’s just rows and rows of low-paid workers in endless warehouses being told to stop picking their noses. Or to get back from their bathroom break, as it were.”        Matt Novak        Editor of Gizmodo's Paleofuture blog        In a blog post on January 31, 2018

GRUMPY CAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE VIEW: “I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE. I'M GOING BACK TO BED.”         A classic Grumpy Cat meme

THE DYSTOPIAN FUTURE MOVIE COUNTERQUOTE: “I have seen the future and it doesn’t work.”        Zardoz (1974 film)        Tagline used as sequential words on screen in the trailer for this campy science fiction movie, starring Sean Connery and Charlotte Rampling.

THE SADLY TRUE MOVIE POSTER VERSION: “I have seen the future, and it sucks...Movie posters suck these days. They’re going to suck even more tomorrow. And as we shuck and jive (and text and Facebook) ever onward into the digital future, movie posters will just keep doggedly and willfully sucking all the more. It’s a headlong progression of suckage, a symptom of the mass-produced everything-by-committee mindset of our culture.”        Frank Darabont        Hungarian-born American movie director, producer and screenwriter        Comments in the introduction he wrote for the book The Art of Drew Struzan, a lushly illustrated book about the man Time magazine called "the Last Movie Poster Artist."

THE PROPHET PARODY COUNTERQUOTE: “I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.”        The Profit by “Kehlog Albran”          This 1973 book, actually written by Martin A. Cohen and Sheldon Shacket, is a spoof of Khalil Gibran’s popular mystical philosophy book The Prophet (1923).

THE SCARILY-PRESCIENT INTERNET PROPHECY: “I have seen the future of the web and it looks like bad public access television.”        Robert P. Libbon        American writer and “Director of Covert Activities” for the magicians Penn and Teller          A quip his computer book parody Byte Me! Computing for the Terminally Frustrated (1996)

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Boldly going where no quotes have gone before…

THE ORIGINAL PHRASE FROM THE ORIGINAL SERIES: “To boldly go where no man has gone before.”        Star Trek: The Original Series (first aired 1966-1969)        Famous phrase from the opening sequence of each episode        This is probably the best known and most parodied split infinitive in modern history. It’s from the voiceover introduction to the TV series Star Trek, spoken by actor William Shatner, as Captain James T. Kirk. Any true Trekkie can recite the complete intro: “Space – the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.”        In the spin-off series, Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994), the words “five-year mission” were changed to “continuing mission” and “no person” replaced “no man,” to be more politically correct. The rest of the Next Gen intro, spoken by actor Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard, was the same as the Star Trek: TOS version.        At a recent Comic Con in New Orleans, a Star Trek fan asked William Shatner: “Do you boldly go where no man has gone before?” The 80-year-old actor quipped: “It depends on the girl.”

DOUGLAS ADAMS’ THHGTTG QUIP: “Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and on the whole tax free...And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before.”        Douglas Adams (1952-2001)        British writer especially known in this universe for creating The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio, TV and book series        The lines above were spoken by narrator Peter Jones in the third episode of Adams’ original radio series version of THHGTTG

THE INSPIRING “GET RICH CHEATING” VERSION: “There will always be opportunities to cheat. It’s up to you to discover them, to create new ways to Get Rich Cheating. Seek out new unexplored worlds, boldly cheat where no cheater has cheated before. Be the next Barry Bonds, Ashlee Simpson, Rod Blagojevich, or generic, balding,  middle-aged white corporate executive.”        Jeff Kreisler        American actor, author and writer for Comedy Central        Advice in his book Get Rich Cheating: The Crooked Path to Easy Street (2009)

THE UNINSPIRING SPACE PROGRAM VERSION: “I’m tired of driving around the block boldly going where hundreds have gone before in orbit around Earth.”        Neil deGrasse Tyson        American astrophysicist, author and advocate for space exploration        Talking about America’s current space program and his support for manned missions to Mars and beyond, in an interview with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show (January 18, 2011)

THE UNTIRING BABES IN SPACE VERSION: “Space. It’s big. It’s dark. It’s spooky. These are the voyages of the starship Intercourse. The crew’s five minute mission is to spread the seed of humanity to any hot looking babe in a spacesuit, and to boldly cum where no man has cum before.”        Sex Trek: Charly XXX (2007)         Lines from the opening of this porn movie takeoff on Star Trek

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