Some people say “Guns don’t kill people.” Other people say…

THE FAMOUS ANTI-GUN CONTROL SLOGAN: “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”        The unofficial slogan of the National Rifle Association         Contrary to popular belief, this is not an official NRA slogan, though it has been used by NRA members and other gun rights advocates since at least the 1950s. Ironically, it has also been used as a gun safety slogan. For example, in a May 31, 1959 Associated Press story I found in NewspaperArchive.com, Fred A. Roff Jr., president of the Colt Patent Fire Arms Co., was quoted as saying “Our big concern is to make sure that guns get into the hands of only those who know how to use them. Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”

EDDIE IZZARD’S COUNTERQUOTE: “The National Rifle Association says that guns don’t kill people, people do. But I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I think just standing there going ‘BANG!’ — that’s not going to kill too many people, is it?”         Eddie Izzard         British comedian and actor        In his HBO comedy special Dress to Kill (1999)

THE FAUX QUOTE ATTRIBUTED TO CHARLTON HESTON: “It’s not the guns that kill, it’s the maladjusted kids.”        Charlton Heston (1924-2008)        American actor and President of the National Rifle Foundation from 1998 to 2003         This quote is attributed to Heston by The Oxford Dictionary of Modern Quotations, but it appears to be a misquote of what he actually said. Here’s how it was reported in The Denver Post: Asked if the prevalence of guns might have contributed to the shootings last year at Columbine High School, Heston said he had talked to the father of a girl who was killed in the massacre. “He said, ‘I’ll tell you this. This is not about guns; this is about maladjusted kids.’”        Just for record, Heston also did not say: “Guns don’t kill people. Apes with guns kill people.” (In real life or in the 1968 movie Planet of the Apes.)

THE FAUX CHARLTON HESTON’S QUOTE: Charlton Heston: (actor Bob Legionaire) “Damn it, George, you just don’t get it! Guns don’t kill people.” George W. Bush (actor Timothy Bottoms): “They don’t?” Heston: “No! Bullets do! Guns just get ‘em going really, really fast!”        In the Comedy Channel TV series That’s My Bush! (2001)

A WHITE PUNDIT’S OPINION: “Guns don’t kill black people, other blacks do.”         David Horowitz         Conservative columnist and activist        In an opinion piece in Salon magazine, August 16, 1999, about the NAACP’s plans to file an injunctive class-action suit “to force gun manufacturers to distribute their product responsibly.”

A BLACK COMEDIAN’S COUNTERQUOTE: “You know guns don’t kill people, stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people.”        Chris Tucker, playing the character Franklin Hatchett        In the comedy movie Money Talks (1997)

ART BUCHWALD’S LOGICAL EXTREME: “Hydrogen bombs don’t kill people — people kill people. The bomb is for self-protection and it also has a deterrent effect. If somebody knows you have a nuclear weapon in your house, they’re going to think twice about breaking in.”        Art Buchwald (1925-2007)        American humorist         In his book Laid Back in Washington (1983)

AN AMERICAN DAD’S WISDOM: “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.”        Stan Smith (voiced by Seth MacFarlane)        In an episode of the animated TV series American Dad!

LARRY THE CABLE GUY’S QUIP: “Guns don’t kill people. Husbands that come home early do.”        Larry the Cable Guy          One of his quips on the TV series Blue Collar TV

THE UHF MOVIE QUOTE: “Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let’s get one thing straight. Guns don’t kill people. I do.”        Earl Ramsey (played by actor Ivan Green)         In a TV news interview scene in “Weird Al” Yankovich’s gonzo comedy movie UHF (1969)

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“Life is like a box of chocolates” (or not) – the Celebrity Edition...

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT FILM VERSION OF WHAT FORREST SAID: “My mama always said, life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”        Forrest Gump, as played by actor Tom Hanks          Lines spoken by Hanks in the 1994 film Forrest Gump        This famous philosophical simile is not in the 1986 novel by Winston Groom that the movie is based on. It’s an altered, politically correct version of the opening lines of the novel, which read:        “Let me say this: bein a idiot is no box of chocolates. People laugh, lose patience, treat you shabby. Now they says folks sposed to be kind to the afflicted, but let me tell you—it ain’t always that way. Even so, I got no complaints, cause I reckon I done live a pretty interestin life, so to speak.”

THE KATY PERRY TWEET: “Life is like a box of chocolates, eat them all.”        Katy Perry        American recording artist, songwriter and actress        In a Twitter tweet linked to a photo of her sitting on a bench that has sign with a Forrest Gump quote on it. (It does not appear to be the actual “Forrest Gump bench” used in the movie, which now resides in a museum in Savannah, Georgia.)

THE WILL FERRELL TWEET (NOT): “Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.”        A tweet on the ItsWillFerrell Twitter page         That Twitter site is apparently not the real Will Ferrell’s official Twitter page. It’s maintained by someone who calls himself “Not Will Ferrell,” though his snarky version of the Gump quote does sound like something the real Will might say.

THE CHUCK NORRIS VERSION: “Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.”        A quip posted on many Chuck Norris fan sites

THE TARANTINO “GUMP FICTION” VERSION: “Life is like a box of chocolates. You open it up and most times someone's taken a bite out of each and every one. That’s when I gotta get out my .45 and blow their heads off. And that’s all I have to say about that.”         The MADtv show’s gonzo version of Forrest Gump        Lines spoken by played by cast member David Herman in the parody trailer for the faux movie Gump Fiction, directed by “Alfred E. Tarantino.” It’s a truly funny sketch from Episode 1 of Season 1 (first aired Oct. 14, 1995) that can currently be viewed on YouTube.

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