“I don’t care what they say about me as long as they spell my name right.”

GEORGE M. COHAN’S LEGENDARY NAME QUIP: “I don’t care what you say about me, as long as you say something about me, and as long as you spell my name right.” (Usually paraphrased as “I don’t care what they say about me as long as they spell my name right.”)        George M. Cohan (1878-1942)          American singer, dancer, actor, playwright, composer and producer         This old show business axiom is most closely associated with Cohan, though it has been attributed to many other celebrities, including P. T. Barnum, W. C. Fields, Will Rogers, Mae West, Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, as well as to several prominent politicians, such as Harry Truman and Tammany Hall leader “Big Tim” Sullivan.         According to the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations and other quotation reference books, Cohan spoke the longer version shown above in 1912 when a reporter interviewed him about one of his upcoming musical shows. That quote is also noted in the definitive biography of Cohan written by John McCabe. Cohan may also have used the better-known, short version “I don’t care what they say about me as long as they spell my name right,” but there’s no clear documentation for it that I could find. The classic quip about name spelling seems to have been floating around in show business and politics in the late 1800s. It’s doubly humorous in Cohan’s case, since his last name was sometimes misspelled as “Cohen.” However, it’s uncertain whether Cohan coined the saying. On the other hand, no one seems to have been able to document an earlier use by P.T. Barnum or anyone else. There is documentation for an earlier variation of the line by Cohan himself. In a reminiscence he wrote for the Syracuse Post Standard newspaper in 1926, Cohan recalled telling his sister “I don't care what they say about me, so long as they keep mentioning my name” in a conversation he had with her in 1898.

THE FUNNY GIRL’S FUNNY NAME QUIP: “I don’t care what they say about me as long as they spell my name wrong.”        Barbra Streisand        American singer and actress        Remark accepting a 1970 award for “Best Female Singer of the Year” in an Ed Sullivan Show special        In Streisand’s case it was doubly (or maybe triply) humorous because her first name was often misspelled as “Barbara,” while she used the “wrong” spelling Barbra.

THE MARK TWAIN FORERUNNER QUOTE: “I don’t mind what the opposition say of me, so long as they don’t tell the truth.”        Mark Twain (1835-1910)        American author and humorist         From a speech Twain gave in Hartford, Connecticut on October 26, 1880        This quote is probably the reason why the show biz saying George M. Cohan made famous is wrongly attributed to Twain. It comes from the part of the speech in which Twain made some remarks about politics that still ring true. “[Y]ou don’t get anything out of the opposition but a noble, good supply of infamous episodes in your own private life which you hadn’t heard of before,” he said. “However, I don’t mind these things particularly. It is the only intelligent and patriotic way of conducting a campaign. I don’t mind what the opposition say of me, so long as they don’t tell the truth about me; but when they descend to telling the truth about me, I consider that that is taking an unfair advantage.”

TALLULAH BANKHEAD’S VERSION: “I don’t care what they say as long as they talk about me.”         Tallulah Bankhead (1902-1968)         American stage and film actress           Her personal version of the show business axiom        Bankhead appears to have used this line more than once to deal with criticism of her notorious lifestyle, which included heavy drinking, various drugs, and affairs with both men and women. It became thought of as one of her catchphrases, along with her use of the word “Darling! at the beginning of sentences. (Spoken with her posh accent as “Dah-ling!”). The earliest use I found is noted in the 1999 biography of Bankhead written by Bryony Lavery. It recounts an anecdote that occurred around 1921. Tallulah's sister Eugenia overhead someone at a party say “Everyone knows her sister is a lesbian.” Eugenia responded by throwing an ice pick at the blabbermouth. Tallulah nonchalantly told her sister: “I don’t care what they say as long as they talk about me.”

THE DOROTHY PARKER/KATHERINE HEPBURN VERSION: “I don’t care what is written about me, so long as it isn’t true.”        Attributed to both writer Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) and actress Katharine Hepburn (1907-2003)        This line is widely credited to both of these great ladies by many websites and books, but without any specific citations of when either of them may have actually said it. If you know of any documented sources, please shoot me an email and let me know. In Hepburn’s case, it would have been another example of a doubly humorous twist, since her first name was sometimes misspelled as “Katherine.”

DALE EARNHARDT’S VARIATION: “I don’t care what they call me as long as I get to the bank on Monday.”         Dale Earnhardt (1951-2001)        American race car driver, team owner and NASCAR star         Commenting on the fact that other race car drivers complained about his aggressive driving style and used a number of negative-sounding nicknames for him, such as “The Intimidator” (and worse). Quoted in the book The Sporting World of the Modern South (2002), by Patrick B. Miller.

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“Truth is stranger than fiction…”

BYRON’S FAMOUS LINES: “‘Tis strange – but true; for truth is always strange;    Stranger than fiction.”        Lord Byron (George Gordon Byron; (1788-1824)          British poet         In his epic poem Don Juan (1819-1824)           The phrase “strange but true” dates back as least as far back as around 1599, when it was used by William Shakespeare in Act III, Scene IV of his play Macbeth. But Lord Byron’s poem Don Juan is credited as the origin of the proverbial saying “truth is stranger than fiction” and it has spawned many uses and variations since then.

THE TOP UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE 2016 PRIMARY CAMPAIGN: “This year’s election has a certain stranger than fiction quality to it.”        Anna Silman        American writer and poltiical journalist        In an article about the 2016 Presidential Primary campaign in the online magazine Salon        (Cartoon by Dan Wasserman.)

THE POLITICS AS USUAL QUOTE: “In politics, truce is stranger than friction.”         Evan Esar (1899–1995)        American humorist and author        In his book 20,000 Quips & Quotes (1995)

TWAIN’S “PUDD’NHEAD” VARIATIONS: “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.” “Truth is stranger than fiction—to some people, but I am measurably familiar with it.”        Mark Twain (1835-1910)        American humorist, journalist and novelist         Two of the “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar” epigrams used at the beginning of chapters in Twain's 1897 travelogue Following the Equator (also known as More Tramps Abroad).

TWAIN’S POSTHUMOUS VARIATION: “Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.”         Another one of the many quips Mark Twain wrote about the subject of “truth”        This line was recorded by Twain in a notebook in 1898. It’s included in the posthumously-published collection of excerpts from his notebooks and journals, Mark Twain’s Notebook (1935).

THE PORTLANDIA PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL VERSION: “Public broadcasting is stranger than fiction.”         Description of a video posted on YouTube.com by “sryokan” that shows funny excerpts from Channel 11, the local public access channel in Portlandia, er, I mean Portland, Oregon.

THE CNN “SHOWBIZ TONIGHT” SCHTICK: “Tonight!…Are they really saving Michael Jackson’s brain? Did Jackson really try to rescue Lisa Ling’s sister from North Korea? The truth behind the Jackson stories that are stranger than fiction.”        A.J. Hammer         Former host of the CNN channel’s “Showbiz Tonight” segment        In a “news” piece about Michael Jackson aired on CNN, July 10, 2009. (I saw the piece and wrote down the quote, figuring that I’d eventually need another gonzo quote for this blog.)

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“A ticket to ride” – from the Beatles to Celine Dion to primary politics and LOLdogs…

THE FAMOUS BEATLES LYRIC: “She’s got a ticket to ride, but she don’t care.”        The Beatles        The well-known line from the chorus of their 1965 song “Ticket to Ride,” featured in their movie HELP!        Like many Beatles songs, “Ticket to Ride” is officially credited to John Lennon and Paul McCartney but was primarily written by one of them (in this case Lennon). The lyrics tell the story of a guy who’s “gonna be sad” because his girlfriend is dumping him and “going away.” It’s a bit unclear what her “ticket to ride” refers to. It could be a ticket on some form of public transportation. It could allude to her relationship with the guy, a “ride” she no longer cares about.        According to many websites and books about the Beatles, Lennon once suggested in his typically cheeky (and often tongue-in-cheek) fashion that he coined the phrase when the band was playing in Hamburg, Germany in the early 1960s. The local prostitutes there had to get regular medical checkups. Those who passed were given a card confirming they had no venereal disease — which Lennon said he dubbed “a ticket to ride.” Another theory in Beatles lore is that “ticket to ride” was a pun about the town of Ryde on the Isle of Wight. One of McCartney’s cousins ran a bar there that he and Lennon visited together, after buying a ticket on the British Railways train to Ryde.

CELINE'S INSPIRING VARIATION: “It’s important to open your eyes in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror and ask two questions: ‘Are you dead, or do you have a ticket to ride?’...If you’re alive, have a good day. Because today is the most important day of your life.”        Celine Dion        Canadian musical star        Comment to the press in September 2015 about the how she tried to deal with the fact that her husband and manager René Angélil was gravely ill with throat cancer. Celine and René used their tickets to ride together every day until he passed away on January 14, 2016.

A PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY TICKET TO NOWHERE: “Ladies and gentlemen, I think we’re in the hunt!...I’d say third place is a ticket to ride, ladies and gentleman! Hello, South Carolina!”        Jon Huntsman         The former Governor of Utah who ran as a Republican presidential candidate in 2012         Comment in a speech on the night of January 10, 2012, after taking third place in New Hampshire’s Republican primary        Huntsman’s use of “ticket to ride” was his attempt at a clever sound bite suggesting that he had the momentum needed to continue his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination in the upcoming South Carolina primary election. Several days later, when polls showed Mitt Romney would likely beat him by a wide margin, Huntsman dropped out of the Republican primary race before the Palmetto State’s primary was held.

STEPHEN COLBERT’S QUIP ABOUT HUNTSMAN: “Yes, he’s got a ticket to ride and we don’t care.”        Stephen Colbert         Former host the Comedy Channel’s Colbert Report TV show         Spoofing Huntsman’s reference to the Beatles’ song on the January 11, 2012 episode of the Colbert Report

A PUZZLER FOR DEEP THINKERS: “If she’s got a ticket to ride, why don’t she care? Why did she buy it in the first place?”         Blogger “Quincy the Wolf”         In one of the “Deep Thoughts” posted in his online journal

A NOT TOO DEEP (BUT VERY CUTE) LOLDOG: “SHE’S GOT A CHICKEN TO RIDE AND SHE DON’T CARE”         Caption on an ihasahotdog.com photo

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An honest politician is…

THE FAMOUS DISHONESTLY-ATTRIBUTED QUOTE: “An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.”         Simon Cameron (1799-1889)         American businessman and politician who served as U.S. Secretary of War under President “Honest Abe” Lincoln         A legendary quip that has long been linked to Cameron, though it appears that he never said it. In his excellent book, The Quote Verifier, quotation maven Ralph Keyes notes that there is no record of Cameron making any such remark. Keyes speculates that it was probably falsely attributed to Cameron by one of his many political enemies and over time was assumed to be an actual quote.

THE GEORGE CARLIN CONNECTION: “An honest politician is as much an oxymoron as jumbo shrimp.”        Harrison Finzel        Arizona journalist        In an article in The State Press newspaper, October 20, 2015        George Carlin's Oxymorons cartoon by Mike Keefe

THE JOEY ADAMS VARIATION: “An honest politician is one who’s never been caught.”        Joey Adams (1911-1999)        American comedian           From his column “Strictly for Laughs”        The New York Post, January 5, 1999

CALDWELL’S COUNTERQUOTE: “An honest politician is either a hypocrite — or he is doomed.”        Taylor Caldwell (Janet Miriam Taylor Caldwell; 1900-1985)        British-born American novelist        From her novel Captains and the Kings (1972)

MENCKEN’S OBSERVATION: “An honest politician is regarded as a sort of marvel, like a calf with five legs, and the news that one has appeared is commonly received with derision.”       H.L. Mencken (Henry Louis Mencken; 1880-1956)        American journalist, editor, language maven and curmudgeon        In his book The American Language (1919)

REEVE’S OBSERVATION: “In the good old days, an honest politician was one who lied only when he had to. But now lies are becoming the accepted language of government at the highest levels, the theory being that sooner or later the people of the country will become so confused and disillusioned that they will just mind their own business, and leave governing to well-placed liars.”        Richard Reeves (b. 1936)        American newspaper columnist        “Bush & Co. Are Turning Washington into a Liar's Club”        From his syndicated column, December 17, 1989

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Rleated reading: some recently-published political quote books...

 

10 things friends don’t let friends do...

THE FAMOUS ORIGINAL AD SLOGAN: “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.”         Public service ad slogan launched nationwide in the U.S. in 1983         First used in billboard ads by the Outdoor Advertising Association, then used in a series of memorable TV commercials aired by the Ad Council.

THE ZUCKERBERG MONEY MEME VERSION: "Friends don't let friends copy and paste memes."        Amit Chowdhry        Tech journalist for Forbes magazine        Headline for his Dec. 29, 2015 post on Forbes.com about those absurd Facebook posts that say Mark Zuckerberg is giving away money to people who repost Facebook posts that say that Mark Zuckerberg is giving away money.

THE CELEBRITY CANDIDATE VERSION: “Friends don't let friends vote Trump”        T-shirt slogan on Zazzle.com. (Of course, there are similar versions naming Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and other candidates. ‘Tis the season for politics.)

THE WINE SNOB DICTUM: “Friends don’t let friends drink chardonnay.”        Michele Anna Jordan         Restaurant and food critic and author        In her book The Good Cook’s Book of Days (1995)

THE WALKING DEAD DICTUM: “Friends don’t let friends reanimate.”      T-shirt slogan suggesting what every Walking Dead fan knows they need to do if their friend is bitten by a zombie.

THE SCUBA LOVERS VARIATION: “Friends don't let friends drink and dive.”        An "alcohol demotivational poster" on the DemotivationalPosters.org site.

THE CAT LOVERS VARIATION: “Friends don't let friends eat lilies.”        Seriously! As explained on the PreventiveVet.com site: “It takes only a nibble on one leaf or stem, or the ingestion of a small amount of lily pollen (easy to do when a cat grooms itself) to send a cat into acute kidney failure.”

THE SILLY FRIENDS VARIATION: “Friends don't let friends do silly things ... alone.”        A cute photo meme on the WeHeartIt.com site

THE ANTI-BULLY SLOGAN: “Friends don’t let friends bully”        Slogan for a public service advertising campaign launched in 2015 by the Seattle-based Free2Luv.org organization.

THE ANTI-FOOTBALL SLOGAN: “Friends don’t let friends watch college football”       A QuickMeme.com photo quip that some people (including me) can relate to.

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