“Truth is stranger than fiction…”

BYRON’S FAMOUS LINES: “‘Tis strange – but true; for truth is always strange;    Stranger than fiction.”        Lord Byron (George Gordon Byron; (1788-1824)          British poet         In his epic poem Don Juan (1819-1824)           The phrase “strange but true” dates back as least as far back as around 1599, when it was used by William Shakespeare in Act III, Scene IV of his play Macbeth. But Lord Byron’s poem Don Juan is credited as the origin of the proverbial saying “truth is stranger than fiction” and it has spawned many uses and variations since then.

THE TOP UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE 2016 PRIMARY CAMPAIGN: “This year’s election has a certain stranger than fiction quality to it.”        Anna Silman        American writer and poltiical journalist        In an article about the 2016 Presidential Primary campaign in the online magazine Salon        (Cartoon by Dan Wasserman.)

THE POLITICS AS USUAL QUOTE: “In politics, truce is stranger than friction.”         Evan Esar (1899–1995)        American humorist and author        In his book 20,000 Quips & Quotes (1995)

TWAIN’S “PUDD’NHEAD” VARIATIONS: “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.” “Truth is stranger than fiction—to some people, but I am measurably familiar with it.”        Mark Twain (1835-1910)        American humorist, journalist and novelist         Two of the “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar” epigrams used at the beginning of chapters in Twain's 1897 travelogue Following the Equator (also known as More Tramps Abroad).

TWAIN’S POSTHUMOUS VARIATION: “Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.”         Another one of the many quips Mark Twain wrote about the subject of “truth”        This line was recorded by Twain in a notebook in 1898. It’s included in the posthumously-published collection of excerpts from his notebooks and journals, Mark Twain’s Notebook (1935).

THE PORTLANDIA PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL VERSION: “Public broadcasting is stranger than fiction.”         Description of a video posted on YouTube.com by “sryokan” that shows funny excerpts from Channel 11, the local public access channel in Portlandia, er, I mean Portland, Oregon.

THE CNN “SHOWBIZ TONIGHT” SCHTICK: “Tonight!…Are they really saving Michael Jackson’s brain? Did Jackson really try to rescue Lisa Ling’s sister from North Korea? The truth behind the Jackson stories that are stranger than fiction.”        A.J. Hammer         Former host of the CNN channel’s “Showbiz Tonight” segment        In a “news” piece about Michael Jackson aired on CNN, July 10, 2009. (I saw the piece and wrote down the quote, figuring that I’d eventually need another gonzo quote for this blog.)

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“You got some ‘splainin’ to do!” – updated for today’s world…

THE “I LOVE LUCY” CATCHPHRASE THAT RICKY NEVER SAID: “Lucy! You got some ‘splainin’ to do!”        Catchphrase associated with the TV show I Love Lucy (1951-1957)        This famous line is commonly assumed to have been said to Lucille Ball by Desi Arnaz, as the character Ricky Ricardo, on the I Love Lucy show. Most people think he said it regularly, with a Cuban accent that turned explaining into ‘splainin,’ when he confronted Lucy about some wacky thing she’d done.        However, as noted on many websites, including posts by I Love Lucy fans who have watched every episode, Arnaz never actually said the line in any episode of the show. (He did say a few similar lines, such as “OK, Lucy, ‘splain” and “All right, start ‘splainin.’”) At some point in the 1950s, some comedian or journalist must have used the familiar catchphrase and it caught on, becoming part of our language.        Today, saying a person or entity “has some ‘splainin’ to do” is a humorous way of suggesting that they have done (or may have done) something stupid, hypocritical, illegal or otherwise embarrassing.

THE “GERALDO LOVES GERALDO” VERSION: “Hmm, looks like a meltdown. Ok, maybe that’s not entirely accurate. Maybe it’s a lapse in judgment. Whatever it is, Geraldo’s got some serious ‘splainin’ to do.”        A July 21, 2013 post on EurWeb.com’s “Electric Urban Report”        This was one of the more moderate observations made about the half-nude “selfie” photo tweeted by FOX News “On Air Personality” Geraldo Rivera, with the comment “70 is the new 50.” Geraldo later blamed it on a few too many tequilas.        This was followed by another stunning revelation when a prominent news magazine released a copy of the original photo, showing what Geraldo actually looked like before he Photoshopped the selfie.

THE “MATT NO LONGER LOVES OBAMA” VERSION: “There are a lot of things that I really question. The legality of those drone strikes and these NSA revelations...He’s got some explaining to do, particularly for a constitutional law professor.”        Actor Matt Damon         His widely-reported remarks about President Barack Obama, in an August 2013 interview on the BET channel.        Damon was a prominent supporter of Obama during the 2008 election, but now says he feels disappointed in the President and his policies, especially with respect to the continuing use of drones to kill people in Afghanistan and Pakistan and the the NSA's monitoring of phone calls and emails. “He broke up with me,” Damon said.

ABOUT THAT END OF THE WORLD THING: “To paraphrase Ricky Ricardo, Harold Camping has got some ‘splaining to do...The Judgment Day has come. And it has gone. And we’re all still here.”        Matt Butts        Freelance writer and blogger        In a post on his blog, The Mind of Matt, May 22, 2011. Camping had generated worldwide news for predicting that the second coming of Jesus Christ and the end of the world would occur on May 21, 2011, and for plugging the prediction on billboards and his Christian radio show. When the world survived, he changed the date to October 21, 2011. As I write this, Harold is 92 years old and still alive. I predict that we’ll hear another prediction from him again, from beyond the grave, on May 21, 3011.

ABOUT OSAMA HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT IN PAKISTAN: “It seems to me that Pakistan's leaders, including former President Musharraf, have some ‘splainin’ to do.”        Jon Stewart        Comedian and host of The Daily Show        Commenting on the revelation that Osama Bin Laden had been “hiding” for years in Pakistan, in a segment on the May 2, 2011 edition of The Daily Show.

THE DONALD TRUMP STFU VARIATION: “Yup, now we know the real reason he dropped out! He would have had a lot of ‘splainin to do.”        Post on the Donald Trump Will You Please Just STFU Facebook page, May 20, 2011          This comment, posted after Trump dropped out of the race for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, was linked to news about allegations that “Trump University” uses deceptive trade practices, misrepresents its ability to place students in jobs and has poor quality of instruction.

THE SPERMINATOR VARIATION: “The Terminator turned Governator now Impregnator has some splaining to do!!!”         A Facebook comment on the People magazine report that Arnold Schwarzenegger had a secret affair and love child with a household staff member .

This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law and fellow Lucy fan, Marcy Lynn Simon.

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“You can’t handle the truth!” – from Jack Nicholson to Zero Dark Thirty to Liz Lemon’s boobies…

JACK NICHOLSON’S FAMOUS MOVIE RANT: “You can’t handle the truth!”           Jack Nicholson (as Col. Nathan R. Jessep)         Nicholson’s shouted response to Tom Cruise (playing Lt. Daniel Kaffee) in the movie A Few Good Men (1992), after Cruise tells him “I want the truth!” during the climactic court-martial scene.        After yelling his now iconic line, Nicholson’s character Col. Jessep goes on a long rant that unwittingly leads to an admission of his culpability in the death of Marine PFC William Santiago at the American military facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Col. Jessep felt Santiago had disrespected the chain of command and wasn’t living up to Marine traditions. So, he secretly ordered two other Marines to subject Santiago to a “Code Red,” a term for harsh, unsanctioned physical punishment. This unintentionally caused Santiago’s death and led to a military trial. During intense questioning by Kaffee, Jessep ultimately admits he ordered the Code Red, but not before giving a riveting speech about the need for tough military personnel who are willing to do what’s needed to protect American civilians.        Here’s a transcript of their memorable exchange:       Jessep (Jack Nicholson): You want answers?       Kaffee (Tom Cruise): I think I’m entitled to them.       Jessep: You want answers?       Kaffee: I want the truth!     Jessep: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said ‘thank you’ and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!    Kaffee: Did you order the Code Red?    Jessep: I did the job that —       Kaffee: Did you order the Code Red?    Jessep: You’re goddamn right I did!

THE MOVIE AWARDS SNUB VERSION: “Zero Dark Thirty...earned five Academy Award nominations, including Best Motion Picture. But director Kathryn Bigelow, the first woman to win a Best Director Oscar for her 2008 war drama The Hurt Locker, didn’t get a nod for her efforts...‘She showed what was really happening,’ [Producer Madison] Jones said. ‘Maybe sometimes we can’t handle the truth.’ The Academy did not respond to a request for comment.”        Hollie McKay        Pop Culture/Entertainment Columnist at FoxNews.com        In a report on the Academy Award nominations for movies released in 2012         Kathryn Bigelow’s gutsy film Zero Dark Thirty created an uncomfortable moral dilemma for many liberals, like some of the Hollywood set that votes on who gets Academy Awards. The movie graphically depicts the fact that torture (which they oppose) was used on Muslim prisoners by the American military to gain information that helped in the search for and elimination of Osama Bin Laden (a goal they supported). This is suspected to be the reason why Bigelow was left out of the Academy’s nominations for Best Director.

HOMER SIMPSON’S MULTIPLE-MOVIE QUOTE RANT: “Look Marge, you don't know what it’s like - I’m the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I’m not out of order. You’re out of order. The whole freakin’ system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can’t HANDLE the truth. ‘Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown.”          Homer Simpson (voiced by Dan Castellaneta)         Homer’s rant in the “Secrets of a Successful Marriage” episode of The Simpsons, first aired on May 19, 1994. In addition to using lines from A Few Good Men, his rant includes references to famous quotes from the movies ...And Justice for All (1979), Patton (1970) and Chinatown (1974).

THE BIMBO BARB VARIATION: “To call a woman who is intellectually-challenged and painfully inexperienced in politics a bimbo isn’t sexist, it’s simply the truth. In fact, to argue that a dumb woman shouldn’t be called bimbo is sexist — it implies that women are too fragile to handle the truth.”        Robert Paul Reyes        Liberal journalist and blogger        In a post about Sarah Palin on “The Student Operated Press” website, February 28th, 2011

THE LIZ LEMON BOOBIES VERSION: Liz Lemon (actress Tina Fey): “You want the truth, Kenneth, you want the truth?” Kenneth Parcell (actor Jack McBrayer): “I can’t handle the truth!” Liz: “There is an adult picture of me on that phone...It’s a boobies picture, Kenneth, and I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction.”        In the “Larry King” episode of 30 Rock (Season 3, Ep. 12), first aired on February 26, 2009

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Boldly going where no quotes have gone before…

THE ORIGINAL PHRASE FROM THE ORIGINAL SERIES: “To boldly go where no man has gone before.”        Star Trek: The Original Series (first aired 1966-1969)        Famous phrase from the opening sequence of each episode        This is probably the best known and most parodied split infinitive in modern history. It’s from the voiceover introduction to the TV series Star Trek, spoken by actor William Shatner, as Captain James T. Kirk. Any true Trekkie can recite the complete intro: “Space – the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.”        In the spin-off series, Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994), the words “five-year mission” were changed to “continuing mission” and “no person” replaced “no man,” to be more politically correct. The rest of the Next Gen intro, spoken by actor Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard, was the same as the Star Trek: TOS version.        At a recent Comic Con in New Orleans, a Star Trek fan asked William Shatner: “Do you boldly go where no man has gone before?” The 80-year-old actor quipped: “It depends on the girl.”

DOUGLAS ADAMS’ THHGTTG QUIP: “Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and on the whole tax free...And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before.”        Douglas Adams (1952-2001)        British writer especially known in this universe for creating The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio, TV and book series        The lines above were spoken by narrator Peter Jones in the third episode of Adams’ original radio series version of THHGTTG

THE INSPIRING “GET RICH CHEATING” VERSION: “There will always be opportunities to cheat. It’s up to you to discover them, to create new ways to Get Rich Cheating. Seek out new unexplored worlds, boldly cheat where no cheater has cheated before. Be the next Barry Bonds, Ashlee Simpson, Rod Blagojevich, or generic, balding,  middle-aged white corporate executive.”        Jeff Kreisler        American actor, author and writer for Comedy Central        Advice in his book Get Rich Cheating: The Crooked Path to Easy Street (2009)

THE UNINSPIRING SPACE PROGRAM VERSION: “I’m tired of driving around the block boldly going where hundreds have gone before in orbit around Earth.”        Neil deGrasse Tyson        American astrophysicist, author and advocate for space exploration        Talking about America’s current space program and his support for manned missions to Mars and beyond, in an interview with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show (January 18, 2011)

THE UNTIRING BABES IN SPACE VERSION: “Space. It’s big. It’s dark. It’s spooky. These are the voyages of the starship Intercourse. The crew’s five minute mission is to spread the seed of humanity to any hot looking babe in a spacesuit, and to boldly cum where no man has cum before.”        Sex Trek: Charly XXX (2007)         Lines from the opening of this porn movie takeoff on Star Trek

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“One day at a time” gets repurposed…

THE FAMOUS MOTTO: “One day at a time.”        Alcoholics Anonymous slogan        This is the shortened version of one of the group’s “90 TOOLS FOR SOBRIETY,” first published around 1939. The third “tool” says: “Progress is made ONE DAY AT A TIME.”

DR. CHRISTIAN TROY’S COUNTERQUOTE: “You want the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and can’t change? Here’s step 13: everything disappears. Love, trees, rocks, steel, plastic, human beings. None of us get out alive. Now you can huddle in a group and face it one day at a time, or you can be grateful that when your body rubs against somebody else’s it explodes with enough pleasure to make you forget even for a minute that you're a walking pile of ashes.”        Dr. Christian Troy (actor Julian McMahon)        In the TV series Nip/Tuck        The “Kurt Dempsey” episode (Season 1, Ep. 5)        First broadcast August 19, 2003

CRASH DAVIS WISDOM: CRASH DAVIS (Kevin Costner): “You’re gonna have to learn your clichés. You’re gonna have to study them, you’re gonna have to know them. They’re your friends. Write this down: ‘We gotta play it one day at a time.’” “NUKE” LALOOSH (Tim Robbins): “Got to play...It’s pretty boring.” CRASH: “‘Course it’s boring, that’s the point.”         In the movie Bull Durham (1988)

CHARLIE BROWN’S VARIATION: “I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time.”        Charlie Brown        In the Peanuts animated cartoon A Boy Named Charlie Brown (1969)

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Be here now – if there is a now here (or something like that)

THE GURU’S FAMOUS CATCHPHRASE: “Be here now”        Ram Dass (born Richard Alpert in 1931)        American spiritual guru Ram Dass popularized the catchphrase “Be here now,” which he used in the title of a book in 1971 (the full original title was Remember Be Here Now). In the book, former psychedelic drug advocate Alpert (a colleague of Timothy Leary) says he got the phrase from a 23-year-old “very high guy” from Laguna Beach, California that he met on a fateful trip to India in 1967, where he became enlightened, changed his name to Ram Dass (which means “Servant of God” in Hindi) and turned from promoting drugs to promoting his version of Indian mysticism.

THE GOOEY LOST FINALE VERSION: Christian (Jack’s dead Dad): “I love you, son.” Jack: “I love you, too, Dad. Are you real?” Christian: “I sure hope so. Yeah, I’m real. You’re real, everything that’s ever happened to you is real. All those people in the church – they’re all real, too.” Jack: “They’re all dead?” Christian: “Everyone dies some time, kiddo. Some of them before you, some long after you.” Jack: “But why are they all here now?” Christian: “Well, there is no now, here.”         From the final episode of the TV series Lost        First aired, May 23, 2010

THE GEORGE HARRISON VERSION: “The past was – be here now As it’s what was before it was.”        George Harrison’s song “Be Here Now”        From his 1973 album Living in the Material World

THE GENERATION X RANT VERSION: Nick (actor Brendan Fehr): “The generation before us sold their innocence for 200 digitally enhanced satellite stations, and it’s been downhill ever since. They had Mickey Mouse, Easy Rider and The Beatles. Alright? We got South Park, The Blair Bitch and Ricky Martin. Alright? They had ‘Be here now!’ We got ‘Shit Happens!’”         In the vampire movie The Forsaken (2001)

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“As pure as the driven slush.”

FAMOUS HOLLYWOOD QUOTE: “I’m as pure as the driven slush.”        Actress Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)         Originally quoted in an article published in the Saturday Evening Post, April 12, 1947

IMPURE VAMPIRE’S COUNTERQUOTE: “I’m as impure as the driven yellow snow.”         Spike, the bad boy vampire (actor James Marsters)         In the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer         The “Intervention” episode, Season 5, Ep. 18; first aired on April 24, 2001

ZZ TOP’S HOMAGE TO TALLULAH: “She is so tough, As pure as the driven slush.”         The blues rock band ZZ Top        In the lyrics of their song “Pearl Necklace” (1981)

DRIVEN SAND VARIATION: “Without condoning in any way the execrable conduct of Westerners during the Crusades and in the colonial and post-colonial periods, I suggest that Muslims ought to drop their pretense of having always been innocent victims as pure as the driven sand. Muslims would not like being invaded or pillaged or having their wives and sisters coerced into sexual slavery, and they need not expect other people to feel differently.”         American theologist and writer Paul Culp         In his book Nothing New Under the Sun: An Introduction to Islam (2007)

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Recommended movie quotations book... Reel Life 2.0 by Jon Anthony Dosa 1,101 Movie Lines about Life, Death, Love, Marriage, Anger and Humor