“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

THE FAMOUS MISQUOTE: “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”        Attributed to Mark Twain (1835-1910)        American humorist, journalist, novelist and social critic        According to a widely-repeated legend, Twain made this quip when he heard there were rumors he had died and that one newspaper had printed his obituary. Another common variation of the line uses the words “…have been greatly exaggerated.” Sometimes the quip is given as “Reports of my death are grossly exaggerated.”        However, all of the commonly-heard versions using “greatly exaggerated” or “grossly exaggerated” are misquotes.        As noted in many scholarly books of quotations and explained in a post on my This Day in Quotes blog, what Twain actually said was “The report of my death was an exaggeration.”        The origin of the more familiar misquote versions of Twain’s response seems to be an embellished anecdote in Chapter 197 of Albert Bigelow Paine’s biography of Twain, which was published in 1912, two years after Twain’s death.

A RECENT PARAPHRASE BY PRESIDENT OBAMA: “As Mark Twain said, you know, rumors of my demise may be a little exaggerated at this point.”        President Barack Obama        His response during a White House press conference on April 30, 2013, when a reporter asked if he still had the political “juice” needed to get his legislative proposals passed by Congress, in light of his recent high profile failures to get gun control and budget legislation approved.

THE DICK CHENEY INVERSE PARAPHRASE: “The rumors that Cheney is alive are somewhat exaggerated. It’s Mark Twain in reverse.”        Hans Blix        Swedish diplomat and politician        His answer in a 2004 interview in the New York Times when asked if US Vice President Dick Cheney had seemed more “wooden” than President George W. Bush during a meeting Blix had with them prior to the Second Gulf War (a.k.a. the 2003 invasion of Iraq).        Blix led the international weapons inspection teams charged with determining if Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, a claim Bush and Cheney pushed as the main reason to invade the country. As Blix pointed out, no WMDs were found. Of course, this fact was was dismissed by Bush and Cheney.

THE SOAP OPERA VERSION: “Rumors of my chastity have been greatly exaggerated.”        Donna Martin, a character played by actress Tori Spelling in the TV series Beverly Hills, 90210        One of her wisecracks in the “Reunion” episode (Season 8, Ep. 27, first aired April 15, 1998)

THE SPACE OPERA VERSION: “Reports of my assimilation have been greatly exaggerated.”        Captain Jean-Luc Picard, played by actor Patrick Stewart        A quip Picard makes in the movie Star Trek: First Contact (1996), in which some crew members of the USS Enterprise are “assimilated” by the part-machine, part-organic, hive-like life form(s) called the Borg.

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Boldly going where no quotes have gone before…

THE ORIGINAL PHRASE FROM THE ORIGINAL SERIES: “To boldly go where no man has gone before.”        Star Trek: The Original Series (first aired 1966-1969)        Famous phrase from the opening sequence of each episode        This is probably the best known and most parodied split infinitive in modern history. It’s from the voiceover introduction to the TV series Star Trek, spoken by actor William Shatner, as Captain James T. Kirk. Any true Trekkie can recite the complete intro: “Space – the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.”        In the spin-off series, Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994), the words “five-year mission” were changed to “continuing mission” and “no person” replaced “no man,” to be more politically correct. The rest of the Next Gen intro, spoken by actor Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard, was the same as the Star Trek: TOS version.        At a recent Comic Con in New Orleans, a Star Trek fan asked William Shatner: “Do you boldly go where no man has gone before?” The 80-year-old actor quipped: “It depends on the girl.”

DOUGLAS ADAMS’ THHGTTG QUIP: “Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and on the whole tax free...And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before.”        Douglas Adams (1952-2001)        British writer especially known in this universe for creating The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio, TV and book series        The lines above were spoken by narrator Peter Jones in the third episode of Adams’ original radio series version of THHGTTG

THE INSPIRING “GET RICH CHEATING” VERSION: “There will always be opportunities to cheat. It’s up to you to discover them, to create new ways to Get Rich Cheating. Seek out new unexplored worlds, boldly cheat where no cheater has cheated before. Be the next Barry Bonds, Ashlee Simpson, Rod Blagojevich, or generic, balding,  middle-aged white corporate executive.”        Jeff Kreisler        American actor, author and writer for Comedy Central        Advice in his book Get Rich Cheating: The Crooked Path to Easy Street (2009)

THE UNINSPIRING SPACE PROGRAM VERSION: “I’m tired of driving around the block boldly going where hundreds have gone before in orbit around Earth.”        Neil deGrasse Tyson        American astrophysicist, author and advocate for space exploration        Talking about America’s current space program and his support for manned missions to Mars and beyond, in an interview with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show (January 18, 2011)

THE UNTIRING BABES IN SPACE VERSION: “Space. It’s big. It’s dark. It’s spooky. These are the voyages of the starship Intercourse. The crew’s five minute mission is to spread the seed of humanity to any hot looking babe in a spacesuit, and to boldly cum where no man has cum before.”        Sex Trek: Charly XXX (2007)         Lines from the opening of this porn movie takeoff on Star Trek

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