“Whenever I hear the word ‘culture’…”

THE ACTUAL ORIGINAL QUOTE: “When I hear ‘culture’...I unlock my Browning!.” (“Wenn ich Kultur höre...entsichere ich meinen Browning!”)                          Hanns Johst (1890-1978)        German playwright and Nazi SS officer          The commonly misquoted, misattributed line from Johst’s 1933 play Schlageter        This line from Schlageter, Johst’s patriotic homage to the German World War I “martyr” Albert Leo Schlageter, is most widely-known in misquoted paraphrase form, as “When [or Whenever] ever I hear the word ‘culture’ I reach for my gun.” The literal translation of the German words “Wenn ich Kultur höre...entsichere ich meinen Browning” is: “When I hear culture...I unlock my Browning.” The ellipsis in the sentence (...) is a pause written into the text by Johst, not an indication of missing text. Most English translations incorrectly use the word whenever in place of when and insert word before culture. In German, Wenn actually means when and wann immer means whenever. Since a Browning is a pistol and the word entsichere (unlock) refers to a gun’s safety catch, the line has also been translated as: “Whenever I hear the word ‘culture’ I release the safety on my pistol!” Sometimes the word revolver is used in place of Browning or pistol. Versions of Johst’s original line have been attributed to Nazi leader Hermann Göring and occasionally to other Nazi officials, such as Heinrich Himmler and Joseph Goebbels. These and other top Nazis were indeed fans of the play Schlageter and apparently did quote Johst’s line. But Johst deserves the real credit — or blame — for the origin.

AN ANTI-FOODIE APPLICATION:               “When I hear the words ‘healthy eating,’ I reach for my pork chop.”        Dick Stein                        Jazz show host on Seattle radio station KNKX/KPLU        In a comment on the KPLU website in June 2014

A TECH NERD’S VIEW OF FASHION: “When I hear the word couture, I reach for my cyanide pill.”        A quip posted on the now defunct TechEye.com site

HENRY MILLER’S GENIUS VARIATION: “When I hear the word Culture I reach for my revolver. Remember that? So, too, when I hear the word Genius.”        Henry Miller (1891-1980)        American novelist and painter        In Henry Miller on Writing (1964)

GROUCHO’S VERSION: “When I hear the word culture I reach for my wallet!”        Attributed to Groucho Marx        American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio, and television performer        Attributed to Groucho in Urban History: Volume 22 (1995), published by Cambridge University Press

THE POSTMODERN VARIATION: “When I hear the word ‘postmodern’ I reach for the remote control. I want to change channels immediately, before I get instantaneously and totally bored.”        McKenzie Wark        Professor of Media and Cultural Studies at The New School in New York City        In his book Virtual Geography: Living with Global Media Events (1994)

THE PUKE BOWL VARIATION: “When I hear the word nobility I reach for the puke bowl.”        Maeve Kelly         Irish novelist, short-story writer and poet        Said by a character in Kelly’s novel Necessary Treasons (1985)

A WINE LOVER’S VERSION: “When I hear the word culture I don’t reach for an Uzi, I reach for a corkscrew and a bottle of venerable and well chilled sauterne. Viniculture. Noble rot, mutating nobler by the minute.”        Glenn O’Brien        American journalist        In an article included in his book Soapbox: Essays, Diatribes, Homilies and Screeds (1997)

A PRODUCER’S VIEW OF GOVERNMENT: “It is unlikely that the government reaches for a revolver when it hears the word culture. The more likely response is to search for a dictionary.”         David Glencross (1936-2007)        Television executive and producer for Britain’s ITV        Comment at the Royal Television Society conference on the future of television in November 1988        Quoted in the Oxford Essential Quotations Dictionary (1998)

A LOVE HATER’S VERSION: “When I hear the word love, I reach for my revolver.”        Gore Vidal (1925-2012)        American-born novelist, screenwriter and playwright        Quoted in the book S and M, Studies in Sadomasochism (1983), edited by Thomas S. Weinberg and G. W. Levi Kamel

QUIRKY, EDGY, INDEPENDENT FILMMAKER’S QUOTE: “‘Independent.’ I’m so sick of that word. I reach for my revolver when I hear the word ‘quirky.’ Or ‘edgy.’ Those words are now becoming labels that are slapped on products to sell them. Anyone who makes a film that is the film they want to make, and it is not defined by marketing analysis or a commercial enterprise, is independent.”        Jim Jarmusch        American movie director, producer, screenwriter and actor        Quoted in the “Personal Quotes” section of his bio on IMDB.com

STEPHEN HAWKING’S CAT QUIP: “When I hear of Schrödinger’s cat, I reach for my pistol.”        Stephen Hawking (1942-2018)        British theoretical physicist and cosmologist        A favorite Hawking quip that’s often mentioned in articles about him. It refers to Erwin Schrödinger’s famed “thought experiment” about a cat that is simultaneous dead and alive. The “Schrödinger’s cat” paradox highlights a problem inherent in certain aspects of quantum theory.

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Related reading and viewing…

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” – Origins, quotes, counterquotes and variant versions...

ORIGIN OF “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” “Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t seek, don’t flaunt.”        Charles Moskos (1934-2008)        U.S. sociologist and advisor to Sen. Sam Nunn        The four-part phrase and policy he suggested in 1993 to Senate Armed Forces Committee Chairman Nunn, as a way to deal with gays in the military. Adopted by the U.S. military in 1994 as “Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t pursue,” then shortened by the media to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and now often referred to by the acronym DADT.

GLAA COUNTERQUOTE: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? How about...Don’t Lie.”        Gay and Lesbian Activists Alliance website        Post dated March 27, 2010

STRAIGHT GENERAL’S QUOTE: “I believe repealing ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ will weaken the warrior culture at a time when we have a fight on our hands.”        General Merrill A. McPeak        Former Air Force Chief of Staff        In an Op-Ed in the New York Times, March 4, 2010

GAY VETERAN’S QUOTE: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is not a joking matter. It is the only law that enforces shame.”        Lt. Dan Choi        Openly gay Iraq War veteran        Remark about DADT in a protest on March 18, 2010         Choi’s discharge from the military for publicly “telling” he gay is pending

JOKEMEISTER’S QUOTE: “‘Don’t ask and don’t tell.’ Isn’t that Oscar Mayers’ response to the question, ‘What’s in a hot dog?’”        Comedian Jay Leno        In his monologue on The Tonight Show, April 2, 1993        Commenting on the announcement of Sen. Sam Nunn's support for the “DADT” policy — and proving that DADT can sometimes be a joking matter.

BAD PRIEST VARIATION: “It would appear that our ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy is no longer working.”        Political cartoonist Rob Rogers        In his cartoon about the Catholic Church’s growing sexual abuse fiasco         Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, March 28, 2010

BAD COP VARIATION: CLAUDETTE WYMS (CCH POUNDER): “What people want these days is to make it to their cars without getting mugged. Come home from work and see their stereo is still there. Hear about some murder in the barrio, find out the next day the police caught the guy. If having all those things means some cop roughed up some spic or some nigger in the ghetto... well, as far as most people are concerned it’s don’t ask, don’t tell.”        The Shield          Pilot episode, first aired March 12, 2002

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You can lead a horticulture…

FAMOUS DOROTHY PARKER QUOTE: “You can lead a horse to water But you can’t make him drink. You can lead a horticulture But you can’t make her think”        Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)        American writer and critic        At a gathering of the Algonquin Round Table wits        Quoted in You Might as Well Live (1970)

LEATHERNECK COUNTERQUOTE: “They say ‘you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.’ In the Marine Corps, you can make that horse wish to hell he had.”        Marine drill instructor Sgt. Fred Larson        Maxim (c. 1965) quoted on the Leatherneck website

LAUREL COUNTERQUOTE: “You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.”        Stan Laurel (1890-1965)         British comic actor        In the Laurel and Hardy film Brats (1930)

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