What this country needs – in addition to a good five-cent cigar...

THE FAMOUS (BUT NOT ORIGINAL) QUOTE: “What this country needs is a good five-cent cigar.”          Thomas Riley Marshall (1854-1925)         U.S. Democratic politician who served two terms as Vice-President under Woodrow Wilson         Remark made in 1917 during a debate in U.S. Senate          Although there are several versions of the story, the usual one is that Marshall uttered his famous quip after Senator Joseph Bristow repeatedly used the phrase “What this country needs…” while making a long-winded speech in the U.S. Senate. Marshall reportedly leaned over and told a Senate clerk, in a voice loud enough to be overheard: “Bristow hasn’t hit it yet. What this country needs is a good five-cent cigar.” Marshall didn’t actually coin the five-cent cigar line. It had been used previously by cartoonist Kin Hubbard in his “Abe Martin of Brown County” cartoon strip and was already in use before Hubbard’s strip began running in newspapers in 1904.

THE “WHAT ARE THEY SMOKING?” UPDATE: “[Senator Ted] Cruz and those who believe as he does are acting like unruly children who stomp their feet and hold their breath until they turn blue if they don’t get their way...Unfortunately for the country, the Democrats have begun to exhibit some of the same stubbornness, and if they don’t heed the signals from the public, they, too, could find themselves in trouble. What this country needs is a viable third party with a more moderate viewpoint that would attract those who aren’t comfortable with the extreme positions of the two current parties.”        Bill Kennedy        Columnist for the Carroll County Times (Westminster, Maryland)        Commenting on the deadlock in Congress that led to a government shutdown, in a column published on September 30, 2013. (Cartoon by Clay Bennett.)

THE KINGFISH’S OBSERVATION: “What this country needs is a dictator...There is no dictatorship in Louisiana. There is a perfect democracy there, and when you have a perfect democracy it is pretty hard to tell it from a dictatorship.”         Huey Long (1893-1935)          Controversial Louisiana politician (nicknamed “The Kingfish”)        Comments to reporters in 1935        Quoted by Arthur Meier Schlesinger in his book The Politics of Upheaval: 1935-1936 (2003)

A STONER’S PARADISE (AND A DEALER’S NIGHTMARE): “What This Country Needs Is a Safe Five-Cent Intoxicant.”        Dr. Martin M. Katz         American psychologist         Title of an article he wrote for Psychology Today, published in the February 1971 issue

A BUSINESSMAN’S OPINION IN 1939: “What this country needs is a businessman for President.”          Berton Churchill (playing the embezzling banker Henry Gatewood)        In the film Stagecoach (1939)        Stagecoach came out at a time when many business leaders were complaining about President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s New Deal programs and the new regulations he had imposed on banks and other businesses. Early in the movie, Gatewood opines: “What’s good for the banks is good for the country.” Later, after secretly stealing thousands of dollars from his bank, Gatewood goes on a long rant about government, saying: “I don’t know what the government is coming to. Instead of protecting businessmen, it pokes its nose into business! Why, they’re even talking now about having bank examiners. As if we bankers don’t know how to run our own banks! Why, at home I have a letter from a popinjay official saying they were going to inspect my books. I have a slogan that should be blazoned on every newspaper in this country: America for the Americans! The government must not interfere with business! Reduce taxes! Our national debt is something shocking. Over one billion dollars a year! What this country needs is a businessman for president!” By putting those words in the mouth of the slimy character Henry Gatewood, director John Ford seemed to be taking a sly shot at Roosevelt’s business critics and expressing support for Roosevelt.

A BUSINESSMAN’S OPINION IN 2011: “Ron Paul cannot get elected...I’m well acquainted with winning, and that’s what this country needs right now: winning.”         Donald Trump            Mega-millionaire, megalomaniac and losing candidate for Republican presidential nomine in 2011         Comments he made at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, February 10, 2011

A POLITICIAN’S USUAL TAUTOLOGICAL SELF-ASSESSMENT: “What this country needs is a man who knows what the country needs.”        Remark by an unnamed speaker at a Colorado School of Mines Alumni Association meeting in 1952        Noted in The Mines magazine: Volume 42 (1952)

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“The first casualty of war is truth”

THE FAMOUS MISATTRIBUTED QUOTE: “The first casualty of war is truth.”        Attributed to Hiram Warren Johnson (1866-1945)        American politician who served as US Senator for California from 1917 to 1945        This popular aphorism is widely attributed to Johnson, sometimes in the form “The first casualty when war comes is truth.” Typically, it’s alleged to be something he said in a speech in the US Senate in 1917 or 1918, around the time when Congress was debating whether to approve President Woodrow Wilson’s proposal to have America declare war on Germany and enter World War I. However, as noted by quotation experts like Barry Popik, neither version of the line appears in Johnson’s recorded speeches.         Popik’s authoritative post about “The first casualty of war is truth” on his “Big Apple” site also notes two documented uses prior to 1917. One is in a speech made in 1916 by British politician Philip Snowden. Interestingly, the other was in a speech made a year earlier Snowden’s wife Ethel. Both Snowdens cited the line as an existing saying.          Many websites and books claim that Greek writer Aeschylus (456-524 B.C.) penned a version of the aphorism centuries earlier, usually cited as “In war, the first casualty is truth.” But as Popik and other quote mavens have pointed out, no such quote exists in any of the written works of Aeschylus. Of course, when it comes to attributions of famous quotations, a common casualty is fact-checking, especially now that alleged “quotes” are often posted and reposted without any on the Internet.         Cartoon by Pulitzer Prize-winning political cartoonist Paul F. Conrad (1924-2010)

THE SYRIAN CIVIL WAR CONUNDRUM: “Truth was always the first casualty of war. But there was a time when there was a sense that in the big things – and there is no bigger thing than the leading of a country into war – our leaders would not dissemble. Or, let us be frank, lie. That ended with Iraq…And yet -- How can we stand back when chemical weapons are being used by mad Assad whose stockpile is rumoured to contain up to 1,000 tonnes of the stuff?”        Lindy McDowell        Irish newspaper columnist         In an opinion piece published by the Belfast Telegraph, September 04, 2013, concerning proposals by US President Barack Obama and UK Prime Minister David Cameron for a military strike against Syrian President Assad over his alleged use of chemical weapons against Syrian rebels. (Cartoon by Eric Allie, Caglecartoons.com.)

THE PEACETIME CONUNDRUM: “Experience shows that the first casualty of peace is such wisdom, if any, as has been learned in war.”        Richard Henry Tawney (1880-1962)        British economic historian        In his book Why Britain Fights (1941)

THE VIETNAM WAR VARIATION: “The first casualty of war is innocence.”        Poster tagline for Oliver Stone’s film Platoon (1986)

A JOURNALIST’S LAMENT: “The oldest cliché is that truth is the first casualty of war. I disagree. Journalism is the first casualty. Not only that: it has become a weapon of war, a virulent censorship that goes unrecognized in the United States, Britain, and other democracies; censorship by omission, whose power is such that, in war, it can mean the difference between life and death for people in faraway countries.”        John Pilger        Australian journalist and documentary filmmaker based in London        In an address he gave at Columbia University in 2006

ANOTHER JOURNALIST’S LAMENT: “The first casualty of war is room service.”       Jason Burke        British journalist and author        Quoting a legendary quip by his fellow journalist Chris Buckland in the book On the Road to Kandahar (2006)

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“You got some ‘splainin’ to do!” – updated for today’s world…

THE “I LOVE LUCY” CATCHPHRASE THAT RICKY NEVER SAID: “Lucy! You got some ‘splainin’ to do!”        Catchphrase associated with the TV show I Love Lucy (1951-1957)        This famous line is commonly assumed to have been said to Lucille Ball by Desi Arnaz, as the character Ricky Ricardo, on the I Love Lucy show. Most people think he said it regularly, with a Cuban accent that turned explaining into ‘splainin,’ when he confronted Lucy about some wacky thing she’d done.        However, as noted on many websites, including posts by I Love Lucy fans who have watched every episode, Arnaz never actually said the line in any episode of the show. (He did say a few similar lines, such as “OK, Lucy, ‘splain” and “All right, start ‘splainin.’”) At some point in the 1950s, some comedian or journalist must have used the familiar catchphrase and it caught on, becoming part of our language.        Today, saying a person or entity “has some ‘splainin’ to do” is a humorous way of suggesting that they have done (or may have done) something stupid, hypocritical, illegal or otherwise embarrassing.

THE “GERALDO LOVES GERALDO” VERSION: “Hmm, looks like a meltdown. Ok, maybe that’s not entirely accurate. Maybe it’s a lapse in judgment. Whatever it is, Geraldo’s got some serious ‘splainin’ to do.”        A July 21, 2013 post on EurWeb.com’s “Electric Urban Report”        This was one of the more moderate observations made about the half-nude “selfie” photo tweeted by FOX News “On Air Personality” Geraldo Rivera, with the comment “70 is the new 50.” Geraldo later blamed it on a few too many tequilas.        This was followed by another stunning revelation when a prominent news magazine released a copy of the original photo, showing what Geraldo actually looked like before he Photoshopped the selfie.

THE “MATT NO LONGER LOVES OBAMA” VERSION: “There are a lot of things that I really question. The legality of those drone strikes and these NSA revelations...He’s got some explaining to do, particularly for a constitutional law professor.”        Actor Matt Damon         His widely-reported remarks about President Barack Obama, in an August 2013 interview on the BET channel.        Damon was a prominent supporter of Obama during the 2008 election, but now says he feels disappointed in the President and his policies, especially with respect to the continuing use of drones to kill people in Afghanistan and Pakistan and the the NSA's monitoring of phone calls and emails. “He broke up with me,” Damon said.

ABOUT THAT END OF THE WORLD THING: “To paraphrase Ricky Ricardo, Harold Camping has got some ‘splaining to do...The Judgment Day has come. And it has gone. And we’re all still here.”        Matt Butts        Freelance writer and blogger        In a post on his blog, The Mind of Matt, May 22, 2011. Camping had generated worldwide news for predicting that the second coming of Jesus Christ and the end of the world would occur on May 21, 2011, and for plugging the prediction on billboards and his Christian radio show. When the world survived, he changed the date to October 21, 2011. As I write this, Harold is 92 years old and still alive. I predict that we’ll hear another prediction from him again, from beyond the grave, on May 21, 3011.

ABOUT OSAMA HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT IN PAKISTAN: “It seems to me that Pakistan's leaders, including former President Musharraf, have some ‘splainin’ to do.”        Jon Stewart        Comedian and host of The Daily Show        Commenting on the revelation that Osama Bin Laden had been “hiding” for years in Pakistan, in a segment on the May 2, 2011 edition of The Daily Show.

THE DONALD TRUMP STFU VARIATION: “Yup, now we know the real reason he dropped out! He would have had a lot of ‘splainin to do.”        Post on the Donald Trump Will You Please Just STFU Facebook page, May 20, 2011          This comment, posted after Trump dropped out of the race for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, was linked to news about allegations that “Trump University” uses deceptive trade practices, misrepresents its ability to place students in jobs and has poor quality of instruction.

THE SPERMINATOR VARIATION: “The Terminator turned Governator now Impregnator has some splaining to do!!!”         A Facebook comment on the People magazine report that Arnold Schwarzenegger had a secret affair and love child with a household staff member .

This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law and fellow Lucy fan, Marcy Lynn Simon.

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Hot, Sexy and: (a) Dead (b) Undead (c) Other...

FAMOUS ROLLING STONE COVER HEADLINE: “He’s Hot, He's Sexy and He’s Dead”         Rolling Stone magazine’s famed headline about Jim Morrison, on the cover of the September 17, 1981 issue        These memorable words were used for a Rolling Stone story about the legendary singer and lyricist for The Doors, published a few months after the 10th anniversary of Morrison’s death.          The article, written by Rosemary Breslin, noted that Doors albums were selling better than ever. A spokesperson for the band’s label Elektra/Asylum Records, told her: “The group is bigger now than when Morrison was alive. We’ve sold more Doors records this year than in any year since they were first released.”        The catchy Rolling Stone headline soon became reused, repurposed and parodied — and still is today — in variations that use a three-adjective formula that may or may not use the words hot, sexy or dead, even though most are consciously (or unconsciously) based on the 1981 Rolling Stone headline.

INFAMOUS ROLLING STONE COVER VARIATION: “He’s hot. He’s sexy. He’s an accused terrorist.”        Mary Elizabeth Williams        Staff writer for Salon.com        In a July 17, 2013 Salon.com post about the outrage over the cover of the August 1, 2013 issue of Rolling Stone, which featured a photo of “Boston Marathon Bomber” Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.           Many observers harshly criticized Rolling Stone for seeming to glamorize the “accused” (but obviously guilty) terrorist, by not only featuring him on the cover but also picking a photograph in which he looks sexy and attractive. “With tousled hair and bedroom eyes,” Williams wrote, “Dzhokhar Tsarnaev looks more like this month’s emo chart burner than a bombing suspect.” Nonetheless, Williams defended Rolling Stone. She noted that the magazine had always covered news and politics as well as music, and Tsarnaev was newsworthy. “With news comes notoriety, and a photograph is not automatically glamorization,” she concluded. “But the fury over the Tsarnaev image shows that it’s not always so clear, and the unease that the fuzzy line between infamy and fame brings.”

THE UNDEAD PINUP BOY VARIATION: “The genius of the Twilight saga is the way it celebrates the passion of the all-American fang hag, with Robert Pattinson as the perfect plasma-slurping pinup boy:  He’s hot, he’s sexy, and he’s undead.”        Rolling Stone review of the soundtrack album from the 2009 movie New Moon, the second film based on the Twilight saga book series.

THE UNDEAD HOOKER VARIATION: “She’s hot. She’s sexy. And she’s sutured to please.”       Promotional tagline for the cult classic horror flick Frankenhooker (1990)

THE UNDEAD JIM MORRISON VERSION: “Morrison: Still Hot, still sexy, still dead.”          Associated Press headline for a review of the 1991 movie The Doors, starring Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison

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“Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.”

THE FAMOUS ORIGINAL QUOTE: “Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.”        Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)        British writer, wit and lexicographer          Remark by Johnson during a discussion with friends at a tavern, first quoted by James Boswell in The Life of Samuel Johnson (1791)         In his biography of Johnson, Boswell added this note about the quote: “But let it be considered that he did not mean a real and generous love of our country, but that pretended patriotism which so many, in all ages and countries, have made a cloak of self-interest.”        Although Johnson’s dictionary was the first major dictionary of the English language and hugely significant, he poked fun at himself in this pioneering work by defining the word Lexicographer as: “A writer of dictionaries; a harmless drudge that busies himself in tracing the original, and detailing the signification of words.”

EDWARD SNOWDEN-RELATED USE #1:   “Raising the specter of terror has become the last refuge of scoundrels.”        Margaret Kimberley         Progressive journalist and blogger        Comment in a June 2013 edition of her “Freedom Rider” column. Kimberley’s piece discussed how Edward Snowden, the former NSA contractor who leaked details about the US government’s surveillance of emails and phone calls, had been vilified by President Obama and Republican and Democratic members of Congress who defended the massive, secrecy-shrouded electronic snooping program by claiming it protects Americans from terrorists.        (Cartoon by Jeff Parker.)

EDWARD SNOWDEN-RELATED USE #2: “Edward Snowden is a reminder that patriotism — as Samuel Johnson noted two and a half centuries ago — is the last refuge of a scoundrel...He may be a hero in the eyes of civil libertarians, but he has also turned around and placed those very citizens in potential jeopardy by passing secrets to China, and, perhaps Russia. Snowden originally tried to portray himself as a lonely hero speaking truth to power. He now comes off as a smug, narcissistic Benedict Arnold.”        Paul Brandus         Political journalist and columnist for The Week magazine         In his June 25, 2013 column on TheWeek.com        (Cartoon by Chappatte.)

BIERCE’S DEVILISH DEFINITION: “PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.”        Ambrose Bierce (1842-c. 1914)          American journalist and curmudgeon         This is one of his characteristically sarcastic definitions in The Devil’s Dictionary, first published as a book in 1906 but originally begun in his newspaper columns in 1881. Bierce defined the word Patriot as: “The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.”        (Portrait of Ambrose Bierce painted by John H. E. Partington.)

A FAMOUS ATHEIST’S COUNTERQUOTE: “Religion is the last refuge of a scoundrel. Patriotism is next to last.”        Andy Rooney (1919-2011)        American journalist and avowed atheist, best known for his commentaries on the 60 Minutes television series         This was one of the biting remarks made in his syndicated news column about President Ronald Reagan’s January 1987 “State of the Union” speech. In that speech, Reagan ducked any mention of the huge controversy over the Iran-Contra scandal and tried to divert attention from that issue by focusing on the debate over allowing prayers in public school. (Reagan was for it, of course.)

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