“I never promised you a rose garden.”

THE ORIGIN OF THE FAMOUS LINE: “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden”         Hannah Green (pen name of Joanne Greenberg; 1927–1996)        American author        Title of her 1964 novel                      This novel is the apparent source of the saying, though it was made even more famous by country music singer Lynn Anderson’s 1970 hit song of the same name. The well-known opening lyrics of the song, written by singer/songwriter Joe South, are: “I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.”         Greenberg’s novel is a semi-autobiographical account of her struggle with schizophrenia as a teenager. In an emotional scene in the book, psychotherapist Dr. Clara Fried tells the main character, Deborah Blau: “I never promised you a rose garden. I never promised you perfect justice and I never promised you peace or happiness. My help is that so you can be free to fight for all of these things. The only reality I offer is challenge, and being well is being free to accept it or not at whatever level you are capable. I never promise lies, and the rose-garden world of perfection is a lie...and a bore too!” Dr. Fried is based on Greenberg's real psychiatrist, Dr. Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, who treated her at the Chestnut Lodge hospital in Rockville, Maryland.        The novel was adapted into a movie in 1977. It starred Kathleen Quinlan as Deborah and Bibi Andersson as Dr. Fried. Mel Gibson made his screen debut in the film, in a small uncredited role as a baseball player. Many years later, Mel uttered his own scary quote about a garden. (See below.)

THE BADASS MARINE SLOGAN: “We don’t promise you a rose garden.”         U.S. Marines recruiting slogan used from late 1971 until mid-1984         The “Rose Garden” slogan was used in the first series of posters and ads that featured the tagline “The Marines are looking for a few good men.” Several posters in series showed Marine Drill Instructors yelling at new recruits, like the one shown here. The drill instructor in it is Sgt. Charles A. Taliano, who passed away in 2010.

THE BADASS JUDGE VERSION: “Nobody promised them [prison inmates] a rose garden…They have been convicted of crime, and there is nothing in the Constitution which forbids their being penalized as a result of that conviction.”        William Rehnquist (1924-2005)        Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court         From his written decision on the 1981 U.S. Supreme Court case Atiyeh v. Capps, explaining why the court rejected a lawsuit brought by a group of Oregon prison inmates against the State of Oregon. The inmates wanted Oregon prisons to be forced to reduce prison overcrowding conditions they contended were inhumane and illegal.

THE PASSION OF MEL VERSION: “Apparently Mel Gibson did promise his babymama Oksana Grigorieva a rose garden…But totally not in a good way. In the latest round of the seemingly endless parade of embarrassing tape leaks purporting to capture the Passion of the Christ helmsman in full meltdown mode, a new snippet of conversation has emerged, in which Gibson reportedly threatens to bury Grigorieva in the flower bed of his Malibu, California, mansion.”        From a now-deleted post on the PEACE FM Online site, July 9, 2010

THE PRESIDENTIAL VERSION: “I never promised you a rose garden but I guess [Press Secretary] Ron Nessen did. So, I hope you enjoy this new setting and the new format, and I hope I enjoy it, too.”        President Gerald R. Ford (1913-2006)                      Comment in a news conference on October 9, 1974        Ford was joking about his newly announced plan to hold press conferences in the White House Rose Garden. When Ford and other presidents later started using this option during campaign periods to avoid the usual campaign travel grind while still generating news stories and looking presidential, it was dubbed the “Rose Garden Strategy.”

THE BIONIC VERSION: Col. Steve Austin (actor Lee Majors): “Now wait a minute, Jaime, you're not going out a torpedo tube. Now you felt the sub, it’s gonna be rough out there.”  Jaime Sommers (actress Lindsay Wagner): “You never promised me a rose garden.”                      Banter from the “Kill Oscar: Part 3” episode of the American TV series The Bionic Woman (Season 2, Episode 6, first aired in 1976).

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The fine lines between stupid, clever – and various other things...

SPINAL TAP’S “SMELL THE GLOVE” PRINCIPLE: “It’s such a fine line between stupid…and clever.”        The legendary saying from the mockumentary This is Spinal Tap (1984)         This “quote” actually combines parts of consecutive lines spoken by two characters in the movie: Spinal Tap’s lead singer and rhythm guitarist, David St. Hubbins (played by Michael McKean) and the band’s bass player, Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer).        In the scene, the band members and their manager Ian Faith (Tony Hendra) are discussing the fact that the latest Spinal Tap album, Smell the Glove, had been criticized as sexist and banned by major retailers for featuring a photo of a greased, naked woman on all fours wearing a dog collar around her neck. Meanwhile, the album of a rival musician, Duke Fame, was selling well even though it had photos of several naked women on the cover. Ian explains that Duke is shown tied down and the women are whipping him in his album cover photo. Thus, Duke is the “victim,” so it’s not sexist.        Ian notes: “If we had all you guys tied up, that probably would have been fine...But it’s still a stupid cover.”        David muses: “It’s such a fine line between stupid and...”        Derek finishes the thought and creates the famed “quote” by adding: “And clever.”        David agrees: “Yeah, and clever.”         And, thus, the legendary saying was born.

THE CONGRESSIONAL VARIATION: “There’s a fine line between irony and hypocrisy. I’m not sure our political leaders in Congress understand either one. But at least that makes for some fine comedy!”         From a July 31, 2014 post on The Center for Justice & Democracy’s PopTort.com site         The post was about the news that the U.S. House of Representatives had passed a resolution authorizing Speaker John Boehner to sue President Obama for what Republicans say has been inadequate enforcement of “Obamacare” – the health care program they oppose.        (Cartoon by Steve Sack, political cartoonist for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.)

THE CLIVEN BUNDY VARIATION: “There’s a fine line between a folk hero and a scofflaw.”          Editorial by the Nashua Telegraph, April 25, 2014        Commenting on Nevada cattle rancher Cliven Bundy, who had about “15 minutes of fame” for publicly thumbing his nose at federal laws and regulations regarding grazing of private cattle herds on public lands and refusing to pay the fees required to use those lands.        (Cartoon by Milt Priggee.)

ERMA’S OBSERVATION: “There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt…How do you know laughter if there is no pain to compare it with?”        Erma Bombeck (1927-1996)        American humorist, newspaper columnist and author         From her book If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? (1985)

BLANCHE’S OBSERVATION: “There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut.”        Actress Rue McClanahan (1934-2010) as the character Blanche Devereaux        In an episode of the TV series The Golden Girls

THE FISHING VERSION: “There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.”        Steven Wright        American comedian        A widely-repeated joke Wright used in his stand-up comedy routine in the early 1990s. It now appears on posters, t-shirts and other items and hundreds of Internet graphics and posts.

THE GARDENING VERSION: “There’s a fine line between gardening and madness.”        Actor John Ratzenberger, as the character Cliff Clavin        In an episode of the TV series Cheers         This one is for my wife Barbara Jo, a certified Master Gardener who spends much of her time maintaining the amazing subtropical botanical garden she created in our front and back yards – and for all those other avid gardeners out there who will understand why the joke is funny.

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“THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS” – Woody Guthrie’s enduring words…

WOODY’S FAMED ANTI-FASCIST SLOGAN: “THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS”        Woody Guthrie (1912-1967)        American folk musician and social activist        The legendary words he put on guitars he played        Some sources say Guthrie got his famous slogan from inscriptions painted on the sides of planes used by leftist Republican forces during the Spanish Civil War (1936-1939), in their ultimately doomed attempt to prevent General Francisco Franco from imposing a Fascist dictatorship in Spain.        Guthrie was a committed leftist himself (even an avowed Communist at one time), so that claim may be true. However, I was unable to find any authoritative history books or sites about the Spanish Civil War or any historic photos confirming the presence of the slogan on Republican airplanes, either in English or in the Spanish form “ESTA MÁQUINA MATA FASCISTAS.”        Woody owned many acoustic guitars during his musical career. Photographs of him show that he played at least two adorned with the slogan “THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS.” In the best-known, now-iconic photo, the words are hand-written in large letters on the body of a guitar Guthrie has in front of him, hanging by a strap around his neck. In other photos, the words are on what appears to a hand-lettered sticker at the top of a guitar he is playing.        Guthrie was certainly sypmpatico with the Republican side in the Spanish Civil War. But unsurprisingly, in light of his strong pro-union and anti-racist activism, his definition of “Fascists” was broader than the political term applied to 20th Century political regimes in Europe.         The lyrics of his song “All You Fascists” (which Guthrie once performed with the great African-American folk blues musician Sonny Terry on a radio show in 1944) say, in part:           “Race hatred cannot stop us           This one thing we know           Your poll tax and Jim Crow           And greed has got to go...            I’m going into this battle           And take my union gun           We’ll end this world of slavery           Before this battle’s won           You’re bound to lose           You fascists bound to lose!”

PETE’S PEACENIK VERSION: “THIS MACHINE SURROUNDS HATE AND FORCES IT TO SURRENDER”        Pete Seeger (1919-2014)        American folk musician        Words written on Seeger’s favorite banjo         Seeger was a close friend of Guthrie. He was also an equally committed social activist. But he was always a strong believer in pursuing change through non-violent means and preferred to avoid even a metaphorical reference to the use of violence to achieve social change in America. In a 2009 CBS News article, Seeger explained: “He [Woody Guthrie] had a sign on his guitar saying, ‘This machine kills fascists.’ I wanted something a little more peaceful.”

AN UPDATED VERSION FOR THE 21ST CENTURY: “THIS MACHINE DRIVES NEOCON, HOMOPHOBIC, WAR-MONGERING, CORPORATIST, ANTI-INTELLECTUAL, POLLUTING, IMPERIALISTIC, CRYPTO-FASCIST, HATE-SPEAK, FAUX-POPULIST, THEOCRATIC, CHICKENHAWK PRIVATEERS FROM THE ROOM”         Roy Zimmerman         American musician and humorist        Slogan written in a spiral on Zimmerman’s banjo        One of the witty songs on Zimmerman’s 2010 album Real American is “This Machine,” which ends with this funny final chorus: “This machine drives neocon, jingoistic, war-mongering, theocratic, faux-populist, anti-intellectual, drill-a-holic, social Darwinist, racist, sexist, isolationist, derivative insecurities, tax-cheating, C Street, hard line, strip mine, tea-bag, confederate flag, Birthers, Flat-earthers, hate-speak, crypto-fascists — and Brit Hume — screaming from the room.”

THE ROMNEY APPROPRIATION PLAN VARIATION: “THIS MACHINE KILLS MUPPETS”        A witty photoshopped version I saw on the Democratic Underground site        It’s a satiric poke at the infamous remark Romney made about the Muppet character Big Bird during his first presidential debate with President Barack Obama. Romney claimed to love Big Bird but said he would cut federal funding for PBS, which airs the hugely popular children's show that features the Muppets, Sesame Street.

AN APPROPRIATION OF THE SLOGAN BY THE ANTI-GUN CONTROL SIDE: “THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS”        Sign held by a protester opposing a renewed ban on assault rifles in the US         The protester and his sign, which juxtaposed the slogan with a drawing of an assault rifle, were featured in a January 2013 story about the gun control debate on Reuters.com.

A COUNTERQUOTE BY THE PRO-GUN CONTROL SIDE: “This machine kills people.”        Caption on a photo of an assault rifle I saw posted on the now defunct “Social Polemics” website

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“Money can’t buy love.”

THE MEMORABLE BEATLES LYRICS: “Say you don’t need no diamond ring and I’ll be satisfied Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can’t buy I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love”        The Beatles        Lyrics from their 1964 song “Can’t Buy Me Love”        The saying “Money can’t buy love” wasn’t coined by the Beatles. It had been floating around as far back as the late 1800s and is a linguistic offspring of the earlier proverbial saying “Money can’t buy happiness,” which dates back to the early 1700s.        However, in more recent times, “Money can’t buy love” was popularized and made familiar to millions of people by the Beatles song “Can’t Buy Me Love.”                     The lyrics and music were written by Paul McCartney. He also sang the vocal alone, making it the first Beatles recording without harmony vocals by the other band members (John Lennon, George Harrison and Ringo Starr). It was released as a single in March 1964 and included on the soundtrack album for the Beatles movie A Hard Day’s Night.

AN EARLIER MUSICAL COUNTERQUOTE: “Money don’t get everything it’s true What it don’t get, I can’t use Now give me money That’s what I want.”        Lyrics from the song “Money (That’s What I Want)”        Writing credits for the song are credited to Motown founder Berry Gordy and Janie Bradford, who started out as a Motown receptionist. It was first recorded in 1959 by Janie’s friend Barrett Strong. His version became Motown’s first major hit song. Strong claimed he helped write the song and his name was originally included on the copyright registration. Three years later, after the song was being covered by various artists and Gordy realized it would continue to generate significant revenues, he had Barrett’s name removed from the copyright.        Ironically, one of the groups that covered the song was the Beatles. Their version, with John Lennon singing lead vocal, was released as a single in 1963.

A LATER MUSICAL COUNTERQUOTE: “They say that money Can’t buy love in this world But it’ll get you a half-pound of cocaine And a sixteen-year-old girl And a great big long limousine On a hot September night Now that may not be love but it is all right.”                     Randy Newman        American musician                     In his satirical song “It’s Money That I Love,” included on his 1979 album Born Again.

THE MARLOWE MISQUOTE: “Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.”        Attributed (wrongly) to Christopher Marlowe (1564-1593)        English playwright and poet, also believed to have been a secret spy for Queen Elizabeth                    This quip is credited to Marlowe by thousands of online posts and books. In fact, he never said it. The history of how it was erroneously attributed to Marlowe was traced by quote sleuth Garson O’Toole in a post on his great Quote Investigator site.        O’Toole concluded that the remark is of anonymous origin and was in circulation in the 1950s. In 1977, Laurence J. Peter included it in one of the sets of sayings in his highly popular book Peter’s Quotations: Ideas for Our Time. It appeared in parentheses above an actual quotation by Marlowe. After that, someone mistakenly cited “Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position” as Marlowe’s line and the misattribution has lived on.

AN ALTERNATIVE ECONOMIC ASSESSMENT: “Economists assume that money can buy love, contrary to the Beatles, and will respond that love and other ‘positive’ emotions can be quantified as having an infinite value and hence beat all other interests at stake. Misery can be compensated for with money, and courts do that on a daily basis.”        Lucie Guibault        Canadian legal expert and Associate Professor of Law at Dalhousie University        A comment in a footnote of her book The Future of the Public Domain: Identifying the Commons in Information Law

OGDEN’S ECONOMIC OBSERVATION: “The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can’t cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor. Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won’t buy, but it’s very funny – Have you ever tried to buy them without money?”        Ogden Nash (1902-1971)        American poet and humorist        In his poem “The Terrible People,” which was first published in the February 11, 1933 issue of The New Yorker magazine and included in the book of Nash’s poems published later that year, Happy Days.       The poem mocks the way some rich people to downplay the advantages money gives them. It starts with the line “People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.”

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Should auld acquaintance — and 2017 — be forgot?

THE AULD FAMILIAR LINES: “Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? We’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet, For auld lang syne.”        Robert Burns (1759-1796)        Scottish poet        The best known lines from his poem “Auld Lang Syne” (1788), which actually mean that old acquaintances should not be forgotten, they should be remembered and thought of fondly.         These lines were popularized by Guy Lombardo's musical version, but most people can’t remember the rest of the lyrics. In case you want to have them on hand on New Year’s Eve or read the backstory on the poem and the song, see this post on my This Day in Quotes site.

THE GOOD RIDDANCE TO 2017 VERSION: “Should 2017 be forgot and never brought to mind?...To start it off right we hired a buffalo chicken drummy that fell into a pile of cat hair to be the captain of the ship. Ok, yes! We let the people around us feel like second-class citizens and inhuman. We let families and children and POC and women wonder if anyone gives a shit about them or if all along we’ve been pretending at some semblance of openness and equality. Great, sounds good! And that was only in January alone! There isn’t enough time in well hey, a year, to write about how it only continued to get more wonderful from there. It was like a scene from a movie after a bomb goes off and everyone wanders around the charred landscape while pieces of burnt wood fall from on high and embers rain from the sky. Just when you thought one more bad thing couldn’t happen, somebody finds a hidden landmine and the whole thing just goes up in smoke again.”        Quinn Angelique        American blogger        Expressing what many people feel about 2017 in a post on the Medium website, December 26, 2017

MICKEY ROONEY’S FAIR WEATHER FRIENDS VERSION: “What bothers me are friends, or perhaps acquaintances, who in rough times turn out to be non-acquaintances. I'm going to write a song about their approach. You probably know the melody:    Should non-acquaintance be forgot    And never brought to mind    Should non-acquaintance be forgot    Or kicked in their behind?”        Mickey Rooney (1920-2014)        American actor        In his book I.E. An Autobiography (1965)

THE TOTAL ABSTINENCE COUNTERQUOTE: “Let drinking customs be forgot And never brought to mind. Come, moderate drinkers, topers, sots, And leave your cups behind.”        Henry Lee (1911-1993)        American journalist and author                      Quoting an old Temperance Movement song in his book How Dry We Were: Prohibition Revisited (1963)

THE ODDLY ANTI-ABSTINENCE TEMPERANCE SONG: “Can abstinence be now forgot, And never brought to mind? Can abstinence be now forgot, And mercy to mankind.”        Lyrics from the song “Poured Out By Hands Divine,” in The Standard Book of Song for Temperance Meetings (1883)

THE JANUARY 1st, MORNING AFTER MEME: “Your new, bed-related acquaintances should probably be forgot, and never brought to mind. Not that you remember them anyway.”         New Year's meme created by WildRumpus on the SomeCards.com site

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