“The customer is always right” … or maybe not.

THE FAMED BUSINESS MOTTO: “The customer is always right.”         Harry Gordon Selfridge (1857-1947)        US-born British businessman and founder of the Selfridges store chain         This famous business motto is traditionally attributed to Selfridge and was popularized by him. However, as noted by the great Phrase Finder site and other sources, Selfridge may have shoplifted the saying from American department store magnate Marshall Field, who Selfridge worked for as a young man.

PETER’S RULE: “Peter’s Salesmanship Rule: The customer is always ripe.”        Laurence J. Peter (1919-1990)        Canadian educator and author best known as the creator of “The Peter Principle”         His wry version of the famed business motto, in his book Peter's Almanac (1982)

DOGBERT’S RULES: “There are two essential rules of management.   One: the customer is always right.   Two: they must be punished for their arrogance.”        Dogbert         A variation once posited by the hilariously evil canine cartoon character in Scott Adams’ Dilbert comic strips.

LE VERSION FRANCAISE: “France...a country where shop-owners seem to be guided by the credo that the customer is always, incontrovertibly wrong.”         Ruadhán Mac Cormaic        Irish journalist        In his column in The Irish Times, March 1, 2010

THE SALES CLERKS' COUNTERQUOTE: "Whoever said 'the customer is always right' clearly never worked with the public a day in their life."        A "Rottenecard" that most current and former employees of any type of retail outlet can relate to.

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“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” – or maybe a Jewish, gay, green, brown or red one...

THE FAMOUS “JEWISH” CHRISTMAS SONG: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas Just like the ones I used to know. Where the treetops glisten and children listen To hear sleigh bells in the snow. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas With every Christmas card I write. May your days be merry and bright And may all your Christmases be white.”        Irving Berlin (1888-1989)        American songwriter         Lyrics of Berlin’s song “White Christmas”        “White Christmas” was publicly introduced and made famous by the 1942 film Holiday Inn, in which it is sung by Bing Crosby. The fact that it became one of the most popular Christmas songs of all time may seem a bit ironic, since Berlin was Jewish. However, as noted by journalist Nate Bloom in a post on the InterfaithFamily.com website, 12 of the 25 most popular Christmas holiday songs were written by Jews.

THE GAY FRIENDLY VERSION: “I’m dreaming of a gay Christmas Just like the ones I used to know. Where the treetops shimmer with rainbow glitter And ev-ry fella had a beau. Oh, I’m dreaming of a gay Christmas With Every Streisand song I play. And no matter which way you sway I hope all your Christmases are gay.”        The “Gay Christmas” song, from the “Last Christmas” musical show, first performed in 2007 by the California-based gay and lesbian theatre group,  Theatre Out.

THE ECO-FRIENDLY VERSION: “I’m dreaming of a green Christmas Not like the ones I used to know. With presents handmade or re-gifted To prevent the climate being shifted And leaving Christmas trees to grow.”         Nancy Hiler, the “Go Green Gal”         In a blog post titled “I’m Dreaming of a Green Christmas (with apologies to Irving Berlin)”

THE LATINO VERSION: “I’m dreaming of a brown Christmas, Just like the one in Mexico. Where bunuelos glisten, Posadas at the mission, And yes, we don’t need no snow.”        El Vez (stage name of Robert Lopez)        Mexican-American rock and roll artist        From his song “Brown Christmas”

THE CHRISTMAS CHEERS! VERSION: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red.”         A popular variation I first saw as the caption of this cartoon from the now defunct website YourFunnyStuff.com        Cheers and Happy Holidays from QuoteCounterquote.com!

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More Christmas music parodies…

A man’s (and a girl’s) best friends...

THE ORIGIN OF “MAN’S BEST FRIEND”: “The best friend a man has...is his dog.”        George Graham Vest (1830-1904)        American lawyer and politician        These words are from Vest’s summation in the trial of a sheep farmer who shot and killed his neighbor’s dog, Old Drum. The trial was held at the Johnson County Courthouse in Warrensburg, Missouri on September 23, 1870. Vest’s client, the broken-hearted owner of Old Drum, had sued the farmer for compensation. Vest brought the jury to tears when he said:        “The best friend a man has in this world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son or daughter that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our good name, may become traitors to their faith…The people who are prone to fall on their knees to do us honor when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our heads. The one absolutely unselfish friend that a man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him and the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his dog.”        The first six words of that paragraph, combined with the last three — “The best friend a man has...is his dog” — is traditionally credited as the origin of the dog-lovers’ saying we know today: “A dog is a man’s best friend.” (Sometimes given as “A man’s best friend is his dog.”)  You can read more about the Old Drum case in this post on my This Day In Quotes site.

THE MARX-FLAVORED VARIATION: “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”       Groucho Marx (1890-1977)        Legendary American comedian        This quip has been credited to Groucho since the 1970s. However, as noted in a post on the great Quote Investigator site, it doesn’t appear in his movies or written works and a similar joke was published in the February 1954 issue of Boys’ Life magazine, so he probably didn’t coin it.

THE INTENTIONALLY CREEPY VERSION: “A boy’s best friend is his mother.”        Actor Anthony Perkins, as the character Norman Bates, in Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film Psycho (1960)

THE UNINTENTIONALLY CREEPY VERSION: “Whoever said, ‘A dog is man’s best friend’ must have been a single fellow. As helpful and useful as all of God's creation would be to man, none of these animals were socially, intellectually, or sexually compatible to man.”        From “At The Beginning: A Study of Marriage”         An article posted on the Christian “electronic magazine” called “The Expository Files.” (Which are not related to The X Files…Or are they?)

THE GIRLS CLICHÉ IMMORTALIZED BY MARILYN: “A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, But diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”        From the song “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend,” written by songwriters Jule Styne and Leo Robin        This great song comes from the 1949 Broadway musical Gentleman Prefer Blondes, which was adapted from the 1925 book Gentleman Prefer Blondes, written by Anita Loos. It was introduced by Carol Channing in the original Broadway production. But for many people, the most remembered and iconic version was performed by Marilyn Monroe in the 1953 film version of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

THE COUNTERQUOTE TO THE GIRLS  CLICHÉ: “Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend never had a dog.”        A dog-lovers’ quote of anonymous origin that has reached meme level status in the Internet.        (The girls in the photo are my wife BJ and our dog Barbie Boo.)

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“Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

THE FAMOUS COACHES’ QUOTE: “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”         A saying popularized by American football coaches Red Sanders and Vince Lombardi        There has been a longstanding debate over whether this saying was used first by UCLA football coach Henry “Red” Sanders or Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi. According to the authoritative reference book The Quote Verifier by Ralph Keyes and other sources, Sanders probably said it first in 1950. However, Lombardi also used the saying and is the coach most often associated with it.

THE WORLD CUP COROLLARY: “Winning isn’t everything, but wanting to win is. The World Cup athletes have a ‘Whatever it takes’ attitude. They've made the decision to pay any price and bear any burden in the name of victory.”        Steve Siebold        Author, blogger, Huffington Post columnist and “expert in the field of critical thinking and mental toughness training”        In a June 2014 post about “Why Your Employees Should Watch the World Cup.”

A RACER’S VIEWPOINT: “Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog.”        Damon Hill        British race car driver        Quoted in the London Sunday Times, December 18, 1994

A POLITICIAN’S VIEWPOINT: “Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it.”        Dianne Feinstein        U.S. Senator for California        Quoted in Women Know Everything (2007) and other books

A PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR’S COUNTERQUOTE: “When winning is everything, then other values such as fair play, honesty, and human compassion are all thrown out in the face of  winning.”        Michael Boylan        Professor of philosophy at Marymount University (Arlington, Virginia)        In his book A Just Society (2004)

J-MO’S COUNTERQUOTE: “Don’t we get enough ‘Winning Is Everything’ bullshit thrown at us from a zillion other sources? Are we really surprised that kids wind up on Lexapro at age 18 when they inevitably learn the Real-Life Lesson that you just can’t win all the time?”         Online journalist J-Mo        In a post on the TrashTalkTV site about the win-lose mentality of many reality TV shows, like Top Chef.

THE LOVE HANDLES COUNTERQUOTE: “Losing is everything. Whoever said winning is everything never tried to lose their love handles.”        Headline in an ad for NordicTrack (1994)

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Genius is one percent inspiration – or maybe two…

THE FAMOUS EDISON QUOTE (THAT HE MAY NOT HAVE SAID): “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.”        Attributed to Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)        American inventor and businessman         This well-known witticism (often given without the word “and” after “inspiration”) is traditionally credited to Thomas Edison. He did say some things like it. But those exact words do not appear in his writings or in his recorded speeches or interviews. The first mention of a definition of genius by Edison is in an article about him in the April 1898 issue of the Ladies Home Journal. A paragraph in that article says:        “Once, when asked to give his definition of genius, Mr. Edison replied: ‘Two per cent is genius and ninety-eight per cent is hard work.’ At another time, when the argument that genius was inspiration was brought before him, he said: ‘Bah! Genius is not inspired. Inspiration is perspiration.’”         An article in a 1902 issue of Scientific American claimed that Edison once remarked: “Genius is 2 percent inspiration and 98 percent perspiration,” but it gave no source for the quote. That 2%/98% definition was also mentioned in a 1908 biography of Edison and a 1911 article in Chamber’s Journal — without providing any information on when Edison supposedly said it. Then in 1932, a year after Edison died, an article Harper's Monthly Magazine noted that sometime around 1902 or 1903 Edison said: “Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.” No source for the quote was given by Harper’s. However, this version became legendary and is cited by many books and websites (often giving Harper’s Monthly Magazine as the source).

THE **** HAPPENS VERSION: “Life is one percent what happens to you, and ninety-nine percent how you respond to it.”        Shubhra Krishan        Indian born American journalist, author and holistic health advocate        In her book Essential Ayurveda (2003). Quoting something she’d read.

JOHN GARDNER’S COUNTERQUOTE: “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent obdurate stupidity.”        John C. Gardner (1933-1982)        American scholar and novelist         A line attributed to a fictional writer in Gardner’s novel Stillness and Shadows (1986)

THE SEX AND CRIME VARIATION: “Sex is like crime. Only one percent motivation and ninety-nine percent opportunity.”        Len Deighton          British novelist and historian        In his novel Mexico Set (1985)

THE ASSASSINATION VARIATION: “Assassination is one percent shooting, ninety-nine percent preparation.”         Jeffrey Donovan (as former spy Michael Westen)        In the “False Flag” episode of Burn Notice (Season 1, Ep. 10)

THE BUSINESS SUCCESS VARIATION: “Succeeding in this business is ninety-nine percent perseverance and one percent talent. Congratulations, gentlemen, you’re ninety-nine percent of the way there.”          Bob Balaban (as the character Arthur Planck)        In the movie Dedication (2007)

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